Internal Sunshine

Reflections in the Moon

Will — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 03:46:08 +0000

I used to think that religion came about as a way to deal with death, but now I’m wondering if stress may have been another catalyst. The question becomes which one to follow. Christianity says you can conquer all obstacles by believing in God. By putting your faith in Him, you can achieve all of your goals, including dispelling all worries and continuing on after death. The Buddhist believe that the same things can be accomplished by believing in oneself, that all obstacles and stress in life are a byproduct of the mind and of our never ending desires. By purifying the mind of desires, true happiness can be found. While Christianity seems the easier of the two (put it all His hands, almost like handing over some of the responsibility in way–I see now why it is so popular), I tend to lean more toward the Buddhist view, agreeing with the idea that all worries and fears and stress are self induced and that by learning to controls ourselves, learning to believe in ourselves, we can lead fuller, happier lives.

In truth, both are virtually trying to accomplish the same things by similar methods. Both seek true happiness by clearing the mind and taking control. One is straightforward about it, while the other brings in a second party (higher being) concept to help out and make life easier for the participant. I believe that both views are beautiful and effective when used correctly and with love and compassion standing at their base.

I think better in the shower. I always find I’m able to see things clearer when there is warm water pouring over my body. The womb syndrome, maybe? Or maybe the sound of the water soothes the mind and allows stress to fall away and creativity to emerge. I talk to myself during these spells and decide what I need to do to find happiness–to be myself, conquer my fears, and create with absolute freedom. I charge myself up with excitement. But then the let down always happens when I dry off and come back to reality and the colder world.

But tonight, I realized if I don’t change my internal view and thinking, I will never change…period. Only I can change I. Only I can face fear and doubt. And I must face them alone. I must fail alone. I must falter alone. And I must triumph alone. All this must be done inside my head in order to become visible on the surface. All my unhappiness lies within and within is where I must return. It’s time. I’m tired and broken. I spend too much time living in stress, fear, doubt, and despair. Why? In relation to many others and when looked at with truth and wisdom, there is no reason I should act and feel this way. I need to stop fighting the world and start living in it, breathing in it, being in it…being my honest self in it. I need to stop trying to pin myself down into one tiny peg and instead learn to let go of myself, let myself be who I am and realize that who I am changes from day to day and minute to minute. And this is ok. This is the way I am supposed to be. Acceptance.

Happiness is realizing that there is no need to try and be anyone but yourself. It’s not a question of money or power or material goods. It’s about love, compassion, honesty, truth, and letting go of other selves in order to experience true self.

The moon is bright tonight. It warms my heart.

Huddling

Will — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 03:18:52 +0000

Cold weather makes us huddle. Huddling is a primitive instinct to keep us warm. Cave people huddled close to each other in their caves. We huddle spreadout (or in bed) inside are giant heated boxes. Primitive people huddled around open fires, listening to the crackles and smelling the odors of the burning wood. Today we keep the “fire” stowed away somewhere out of sight and complain about how dried out are eyes and sinuses are when we wake up because all of the natural moisture has been removed from the air. It must have been easier to dream back then, sitting around the fire every night. A flickering flame lulls the mind into dream mode. Now we sit around the tv or computer before bed and are minds turn to mush as we try in vain to figure out why we have trouble sleeping and tend to wake up in a bad mood. Of course I’m typing this at my computer just before I go to bed. Go figure.

Flowing in the Cold

Will — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 05:12:18 +0000

The coldness is swirling around outside. My thoughts are swirling around inside. There is no real point to this post other than to force myself to write a few words down and so keep the streak going. Draw everyday…write everyday…etc… With these small sentences I have assured myself that I have not given up and no matter how bad I feel, I can still put fingers to keyboard and let go of a few random thoughts. It’s comforting. Just letting things flow out without trying to stop the flow or nit pick the order, meaning, or structure. It is liberating, but harder than it sounds. Trying to bypass the watchdog mind telling me that I must do it this way or that way or make correct full sentences with deep meaning and worth can be tricky business. Like trying to sneak by a sleeping dog who’s bent on guarding its food bowl at all cost. Just let go and let it flow.

I could probably go on forever writing in this stream of consciousness rambling, but I’m sure it would become tedious and boring. Cathartic for me, a waste of time for everyone else. But is that the point? Maybe?

I used to write in a journal everyday. Great freedom. Maybe I should start again, but this time put it in the blog for the whole world to see. Scary. Not sure I’m ready for that. Alone on the ocean can be a fearful place. But I’m not alone. Must remember that.

Just had another idea. I could draw a little picture to go along with my daily writings. Knock over two penguins with one rock. But which to do first? Draw the picture and then write about it, or write something down and then draw a picture to accompany it? I should probably try both.

I know one thing for sure–getting it all out by drawing or writing or by whatever means available to you is good for the soul, the mind, and the heart. I urge everyone out there to stop the flow of incoming information whenever possible and take time to create and express and laugh.

May your life be peaceful and happy.

Down Me Let

Will — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 02:06:37 +0000

Stuck in
pretty darkness
Lost and
Looking helpless
Pain is
Running through me
Blood is
Falling round me
Chemicals are fading
All the world is gaping
Help me please
I’m drowning
Help me please
I’m drowning

Cannot
See the light that
Blinds me in the darkness
My eyes are
Growing restless
Ringing in
My ear starts
Mind is
Spinning wildly
Chemicals are fading
All the world is gaping
Help me please
I’m drowning
Help me please
I’m drowning

I kick and scream in
Violence
Bloody hands are
Flailing
My mind begins
To focus
Fighting fear
I falter
Until my breath is
Breathless
Chemicals are fading
Soon the world is gaping
Help me please
I’m drowning
Help me please
I’m drowning

I know
Where I’m going
Running through
The darkness
Shedding light
On my dreams
I fight for
What I find now
Let me be
I’m swimming
Let me be
I’m swimming

Surfacing
To find that
The world is light
With peace now
Let me be
I’m loving
Let me be
I’m loving

Meaning of Life

Will — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 15:48:56 +0000

It’s not the meaning of life that is important, it’s that your life has meaning.

Push and Pull

Will — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 15:45:22 +0000

Desperately trying to connect to and free myself from…myself.

Gravity

Will — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 12:36:28 +0000

In the past I never had much use for religion and spirituality. As I’ve aged, though, religion and spirituality have become an irresistible force. Like gravity, they pull me towards the center of myself, towards the center of the universe. My center is a deep, dark place. It reeks of fear and doubt.

I do, however, see a kernel of light forming inside me. With every meditative breath that I take it grows larger. With every word of prayer I recite it shines brighter. I know eventually it will illuminate the darkness and the fear and doubt will vanish like an echo in a canyon.

Dirt

Will — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 12:31:40 +0000

My mind is fertile. There is still dirt left to dig. It’s a question of finding the right shovel.

Frozen Birds

Will — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 16:40:54 +0000

I wonder what birds think when they see an airplane in the sky? A huge metal bird moving swiftly upwards with no movement of its wings or turning of its head. It must be an astounding and terrifying experience for the birds.

Polar Bear Dare

Will — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:35:01 +0000

I wonder if polar bears ever play ‘lick the ice berg’? If so, I wonder if their tongues ever get stuck?